Many couples experience differing sexual drives. Although natural and entirely normal, the experience can be frustrating and confusing, especially if your drives have always seemed to “match.” Why does libido change, and what can be done to get your joint sexual desires back on the same path? Well, many things, actually. Unlike some human characteristics, our sex drive is not set in stone. But first, it is important to take a moment to dig into why libido changes and how mental blockers we put on ourselves may lead to a chronic sexual downturn.

It’s Common

Libido ebbs and flows throughout our lives for many reasons. Life events and changes, including childbirth, stress, the natural aging process, body image concerns, medication changes, and various medical and mental health conditions, can all contribute to changes in sexual desire. In most cases, changes in sex drive have nothing to do with our partner or how much we desire our partner. A study conducted in 2015 noted as many as 80% of couples experienced a “desire discrepancy” with their partner in the last thirty days.

It is also very important to remember that mismatched libido is not a gender-specific challenge. Despite common misconceptions, it is not male partners who consistently have elevated libidos and female partners with low libido. The roles can easily be reversed for any of the above reasons and more. According to sex therapist Gina Shapiro, in approximately 60% of the couples she sees, women have a higher sex drive than their male partners.

It is essential to communicate openly with your partner about why your mood may be low so they understand you aren’t rejecting them or diminishing their desire for intimacy.

It’s Manageable

Fluctuating or mismatched sex drives are not a signal that all is lost. According to sex therapist Janet Brito, if you are willing to work together as a couple by talking openly and compromising, you can still find common ground. The most important thing, says Los Angeles area sex therapist Jamila Dawson, is “to know that it doesn’t mean there’s a problem with either person in the relationship. Rather, it’s a more general imbalance that can be improved through experimentation, collaboration, and working together.”

How to Manage Mismatched Sex Drives

When ignored or left unaddressed, mismatched sexual desire can create unnecessary tension in your relationship. Often, the partner with a higher libido suffers from reduced self-esteem from repeated rejection. In contrast, the lower libido partner feels overwhelmed and discouraged when they fear they cannot live up to their partner’s needs and expectations. Below are some tips from the team at Vibeplanet and sex therapists across the nation you can use to help remove mental blockers and increase libido.

Don’t define your whole relationship by sex

There is more to a loving, lasting relationship than physical intimacy. Work with your partner to ensure these aspects of your relationship are given equal importance. Consider non-physical aspects of your relationship, such as watching a movie, cuddling, eating together, or going for a walk.

It is important to value your partner for reasons other than sex. When sex is the sole focus, the lower libido partner may feel undervalued or worry that the great things in your relationship, other than sex, are less important. Incorporating non-physical joy into your relationship can reduce the feeling that your relationship is built on sex.

Some sexologists suggest the higher libido partner make a conscious effort to appreciate and acknowledge not only their partners sexual boundaries but their non-sexual qualities too.

Expand your definition of sex

Sex is not solely defined by physical penetration. Sex and sexual intimacy can be anything you as a couple wants it to be. Kissing, holding hands, oral sex, sex toys, BDSM; whatever increases sexual interest and elevates your desire for intimacy and connection. If the person with the higher libido can compromise to meet the sexual desires of the person with the lower libido, both can get what they want out of a sexual encounter.

Focus on quality over quantity

A healthy sexual relationship does not mean having sex nightly or even every other night. It is not uncommon for the craving for more frequent sex to arise out of a hidden and unmet need. Finding alternative ways to connect intimately with your partner, such as non-sexual intimate touch and affection. Simple connections like these can help validate that you are loved by your partner and help both partners realize they may need sex less often than they thought.

Start dating each other again

Remember how intense the spark and connection were when you first started dating? As relationships progress, thoughts on sex can change. Take the time out of your day-to-day schedules to be with each other like you used to. This can help improve your sexual appetite and interest as you call to memory all the reasons why you desired each other to begin with.

Schedule sex

Consider when you are the most energetic. For some people, it is first thing in the morning whereas for others it may be evenings. Try to find a time during the day where both partners feel equally (or nearly equally) energetic and make the time for intimacy. Sometimes the anticipation that accompanies “scheduled sex” can create sensual tension and increase sexual desire.

Incorporate pleasure into everyday life. Engage in “foreplay before foreplay”

On average, sexual intercourse lasts for approximately five minutes. If sex itself is the only element of your intimate relationship you focus on, you are not giving attention to many more desire-enhancing opportunities. Psychotherapist Esther Perel notes that foreplay begins at the end of the last orgasm. It is important to incorporate elements of foreplay into moments with your partner outside the bedroom as well. Making pleasure part of your whole day, instead of just a few moments, makes the body and mind more ready for sexual pleasure according to sexologist Vanessa Muradin.
Consider all aspects of a sexual encounter with your partner, from foreplay to intimacy afterward. When you consider the entire sexual process, you are more likely to feel satisfaction with each sexual encounter.

Talk things over candidly

Communication is a vital aspect to all parts of a relationship-sex included. If you struggle with a sex drive mismatch, it is even more important to actively communicate and work together on ways you can enhance your sexual connection that meets both of your needs. Remember, things will not always be perfect, and your libidos may not always coincide; however, if you keep an open mind and work together with understanding and empathy, aligning a mismatched libido can be something to work towards together instead of something that drives you apart.

Vanessa Muradin enforces the importance of communication between partners. “How you treat each other, how you support each other, and listen to one another, that matters to them feeling attracted and safe with another person.” Deeper, open, and honest communication can lead to deeper feelings of sexual desire.

Seek professional help

If you have tried the above, and things still don’t seem to click, consider contacting a sex therapist. A therapist can listen to both points of view and provide insight and suggestions that you can follow to get things back in line. A trained therapist may also be able to pinpoint the root of some underlying issues that may be contributing to your desire discrepancy.

A mismatched libido does not spell the end to a long, loving, and passionate relationship. Mismatched libidos and sexual differences are common aspects of many relationships, especially those that have stood the test of time. Removing mental blocks that lead two sexual frustration makes it possible to bring the sexual fire back into your relationship.

If you’re curious about the wondrous world of sex with toys or have used them during your single days, you may want to introduce them to your relationship. If you’re looking for ways to spice up your sex life or want to make your orgasms more intense but don’t know quite how to tell your partner.

However, introducing sex toys to a partner that misunderstands the next level of sexual satisfaction is possible by adding them to your routine. You may be embarrassed as coming across as “too kinky” or don’t want to cultivate feelings of inadequacy in your partner. Fortunately, there are ways to introduce your partner to explore sex toys for both your benefit.

Couple Sex Toys Are An Addition, Not A Replacement

If there are several elephants in the room, introducing sex toys as additions, not replacements, is the biggest of them all. There are many myths about using toys during sex that require debunking before using sex toys in bed. Many people believe that sex toys are for single people. However, studies show that both single women and women in partnered sex are familiar with using sex toys. Learning that your partner likes using adult toys can be exciting and overwhelming at the same time.

Another myth is that penis and vagina sex don’t need the help of sex toys and that sex toys replace the penis-haver in the relationship. This fear is often accompanied by the belief that a partner has to outperform the sex toy or that you have been having unsatisfactory sex. The fear is further fueled by ideas that female empowerment is detrimental to heterosexual relationships or a lack of self-esteem by the male partner.

However, a study dubbed “Prevalence and characteristics of vibrator use by men in the United States” shows that 44.8% of men had used sex toys in their sex lives. In the context of cisgender heterosexual men with women, one study found that most men used vibrators during sex with their female partners. Not only is bringing toys into the bedroom common, but it is also proved to be beneficial for both partners. Couples who used sex toys reported healthier sex lives and positive effects on sexual desire, arousal, erectile function, lubrication, and the ability to achieve faster and stronger orgasms.

Using sex toys in a relationship is not a replacement of any partner, neither does it signify a lack of capacity by either partner. Sex toys act as additions to your sex life to enhance the experience. The most important thing to remember is that sex is a shared experience between you and your partner. A sex toy cannot cuddle and talk. It can only be used as a tool to improve the sensations you already feel when your partner touches you.

Pave The Way For These Kind Of Talks

Introducing sex toys to your relationship requires a healthy foundation. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How frequently do you and your partner have sex?
  • Can you have sex anywhere in the house (if you have the house to yourselves)?
  • Do you and your partner talk about sex or share kinky thoughts freely?
  • Have you introduced changes to your sex life before, and if yes, how did your partner respond?

If you’re still struggling to talk about sex freely, or if your partner shuts down sexual conversations, it may not be time to talk about using sex toys during sex. Try and talk about sex more often and learn what your partner thinks about sex.

Once you’re talking about sex, sexting each other, and being intimate in different parts of your home, for example, you may feel it’s a better time to introduce the sex toy conversation. Be open about your desires, and encourage your partner to participate in fulfilling them. This way, once you broach the “partner sex toys” talk, your partner will think of sex toys as a fun way to enjoy intimate moments.

Do Your Own Research & Be Specific

You definitely have people in your life that you can have sex toy conversations with. And it can be so fun! However, be sure to do your own research. Having accurate information is the best way to fight the fear of the unknown. The following tips are beneficial for any beginner.

  • Never compromise on safety: Anything that is going into your body and coming into contact with your genitals should be safe for use. All your sex toys should be made from body-safe and non-porous materials. Glass, steel, and silicone are easy to clean before and after sex to ensure sexual health.
  • Go for vibes: Modern vibrators have multiple intensity modes, providing way more scope for the imagination than an average non-vibrating toy. They can be easily controlled and incorporated into partner play to provide the stimulation you need.
  • Keep it simple: Until you’ve felt your way in the sex toys market, there’s no need to complicate things. Consider good ol’ classic items that will less likely be just gathering dust in your drawer and are easy to use for both you and your partner. Vibeplanet provides excellent, classy beginner sex toys for couples.

How To Best Approach The Sex Toy Talk

Now that you’ve looked into sex toy myths and found several partner sex toys you’d like to try, it’s time to have the sex toy conversation finally. Sex coach Portia Brown recommends the following when having a couple sex toy conversation with your partner.

Don’t Have The Sex Talk In The Bedroom.

Your bedroom is your haven. It’s the space where you and your partner come together and enjoy sex. No matter how tempting it is, do not have the conversation in the bedroom or before and after sex. It’s best to have sex conversations in casual settings such as the living room, kitchen, or car. Your partner may feel inadequate or attacked if you have this discussion in the bedroom. Begin the talk when you are both relaxed so that you can have a productive convo.

Start With Affirmations

Begin the conversation by setting a positive mood. Praise your partner, tease them, and offer a compliment about their sex game. Affirmations are a great way to remind your partner that you enjoy having sex with them and reduce insecurities that may affect the sex toy conversation.

Talk About How The Sex Toy Benefits Both Of You

Remember that you and your partner are in a relationship. When you suggest using sex toys in a relationship, they need to appeal to both partners. You could recommend sex toys as a means of making their work easier when they go down on you or helping you reach an orgasm. The benefit could be as easy as your partner watching you enjoy yourself. It helps to use the information they shared about their kinks at this time and explain how sex toys may bring the kinks to life.

Give Your Partner Time To Think About It

You had enough time to research, think through the matter, and approach your partner. It’s important to give your partner time to think about your proposal and then respond. You want your partner to feel that bringing sex toys into the bedroom is a mutual decision instead of a selfish one.

Don’t Give Up

What if you talk, but your partner says no? It’s disheartening but not a reason to give up. Perhaps your partner needs more information and convincing about sex toys. Find out what their insecurities are and respond to each of their questions. Remind them that bedroom sex toys are in no way a replacement or a projection of your discontent with your relationship.

Take Time To Choose Together

Finding the perfect sex toys for you and your partner is a process that takes time and multiple tries. Once you confirm that you are both on the same page, start experimenting with small toys until you find something that works for both of you. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to find the perfect toy on the first try. Most importantly, remember to be collaborative during the research and use of the toy to make your sexual relationship stronger.


Using sex toys in a relationship is an exciting way to spice up your sex life. You can play with sex toys during both planned and spontaneous sex. There are multiple sex toys that you can try with your partner, including those that give them control of your orgasm. There’s absolutely no reason not to try a sex toy with your partner. Don’t forget the lube!

How Sex Toys Can Help Improve Your Sex Life

One big question that many couples and individuals ask is, “How can I improve my sex life?” Sex is an experience meant to be intimate, exciting, and fun. However, maintaining a healthy sex life can be difficult. So, what are some ideas for improving your sex life? One of the most common tips is adding variety to your bedroom activities. One of the simplest and most fun ways to do that is with sex toys.

Some studies have shown changing things up in the bedroom can increase dopamine in the brain. Sex toys are an easy, safe way to try something more adventurous and exciting. These toys are also great for exploration. They can help you discover pleasure areas on your body that you never knew about, and they can help you find what you do and don’t like during sex. Foreplay is an essential part of sex, and adding toys can help build up the excitement towards the main event. Experimenting with sex toys and discovering what you like is a great way to make sure you have a healthy, happy sex life.

Introducing Sex Toys to Your Relationship

Bringing sex toys into a relationship can be a bit awkward at first. The idea of using them with a partner can be a bit overwhelming at first, especially for those who do not already have experience with them. The most important step to introducing sex toys to your relationship is communication. Figure out what is comfortable with your partner. Many couples start simple and work their way up from there. For example, some might start with a small, simple vibrator. Sex toys allow for you and your partner to explore each other in new ways, which can be fun and intimate. Just make sure you talk before and after you try something new. Figure out if it is something you want to revisit

Boosting Your Libido with Sex Toys

Many people around the world have a low sex drive. So, how can you increase your libido? Well, believe it or not, sex toys are a great way to boost men’s and women’s libidos. But how does it work? The simple answer is that sex toys, especially vibrators, can increase the blood flow to the genitals. This increase in blood makes you more sensitive, which heightens pleasure. Also, sex toys can help you orgasm, which can help regulate sex hormones. A significant cause of low sex drive is an imbalance of these hormones, so regulating them can help solve your libido problem.


Sex toys are not something that people should be ashamed of or scared to try. The fact of the matter is that studies have shown that using sex toys can help us stay healthy and improve our sex lives. They can boost libido, and introducing them into your relationship can help bring you and your partner closer. Like many things in a relationship, the critical factor is communication. It is essential to discuss what you and your partner are comfortable doing. Sex toys are not just for couples, either. Single people will share many of the same benefits we have discussed. If you are interested in improving your sex life, try adding toys to your pleasure routine.

Intimate discord doesn’t lead married couples to divorce.

Marriages end for other reasons, ranging from financial, to the stresses of raising kids, to other unaligned values that are never addressed or agreed upon by the couple.  Straying from the marriage, and specifically cheating, does have the potential to end the relationship; however, it’s not likely to have resulted solely because the couple was at odds with their sexual relationship. But more to the point, women, in particular, don’t speak up enough about where they are with their bodies, such as admitting a low or nonexistent sex drive or, importantly, not being conscious of the things that are not working for them and communicating how to change it or make it better for themselves. Especially since doing such can sometimes carry the stigmatism of being selfish.

Depending on the amount of, and kind of, sex education had in the formative years,  women most often enter into marriage with no realistic expectation about sex, no righteous feeling to own their pleasure and no knowledge on how to communicate what they want and need.

We start off an intimate relationship with a lot of sex, spurred by the newness of the couple and unquenched desire for one another.  Then we become wrapped up in our lives and at some point, after years of settling into a routine and rhythm, the tide turns and one day you find that you are a couple in a non-existent sexual relationship.

How do you get it back to a lot of fun, exciting sex?

Try these 5 ways to take sex from bad to exceptional:

 1 – Redefine your sexual mindset

You are no longer who you were in your late teens and early twenties, or whenever you began learning about and having sex.  You are wiser, weirder and probably less wild. You are a different and better version of that person. Own it and find your new sexual self.

2 – Embrace your body

We can all take steps to eat better, exercise more and generally improve our self-care habits.  Focusing on these will help lead us to the reality that we make an effort to feel and look good, which will help our ability to accept that we need to continue working and embrace what we’ve accomplished with our health.

3 – Figure out how sex can be amazing every time

Do you like to get kinky, or role play?  What really turns you on? If you’re still reading this you’ve been undersexed for some time and getting to earth shattering can be easier than you think.  Find some sexual accessories – sex toys, bondage, audios or videos that get you in the mood.

4 – Commit to your orgasm.  It’s the ultimate objective

Taking care of your whole self – your mind, body and spirit will help you to reach ultimate satisfaction.  Take the opportunity to tune out your busy life and responsibilities so that you are in the moment and enjoying the sexual experience.  Meditation and masturbation can be great ways to get you going and inspire you to find release. Whether you have solo or partnered sex, make it count and commit to having sex frequently.

5 -Be and feel sexy

Many women say they have no idea how to be sexy.  Sexual liberation does not exist for the bulk of us and must be learned.  And today, because of and following the #metoo movement, sexual objectification is hardly tolerated.  But of course, if it is in your control and on your terms, finding and exposing your naughty side is exhilarating and satisfying.

Find it in you to practice these tips until they become values you own.  Sex is a natural human experience. Enhance your intimacy and your life.