If you’re curious about the wondrous world of sex with toys or have used them during your single days, you may want to introduce them to your relationship. If you’re looking for ways to spice up your sex life or want to make your orgasms more intense but don’t know quite how to tell your partner.
However, introducing sex toys to a partner that misunderstands the next level of sexual satisfaction is possible by adding them to your routine. You may be embarrassed as coming across as “too kinky” or don’t want to cultivate feelings of inadequacy in your partner. Fortunately, there are ways to introduce your partner to explore sex toys for both your benefit.
Couple Sex Toys Are An Addition, Not A Replacement
If there are several elephants in the room, introducing sex toys as additions, not replacements, is the biggest of them all. There are many myths about using toys during sex that require debunking before using sex toys in bed. Many people believe that sex toys are for single people. However, studies show that both single women and women in partnered sex are familiar with using sex toys. Learning that your partner likes using adult toys can be exciting and overwhelming at the same time.
Another myth is that penis and vagina sex don’t need the help of sex toys and that sex toys replace the penis-haver in the relationship. This fear is often accompanied by the belief that a partner has to outperform the sex toy or that you have been having unsatisfactory sex. The fear is further fueled by ideas that female empowerment is detrimental to heterosexual relationships or a lack of self-esteem by the male partner.
However, a study dubbed “Prevalence and characteristics of vibrator use by men in the United States” shows that 44.8% of men had used sex toys in their sex lives. In the context of cisgender heterosexual men with women, one study found that most men used vibrators during sex with their female partners. Not only is bringing toys into the bedroom common, but it is also proved to be beneficial for both partners. Couples who used sex toys reported healthier sex lives and positive effects on sexual desire, arousal, erectile function, lubrication, and the ability to achieve faster and stronger orgasms.
Using sex toys in a relationship is not a replacement of any partner, neither does it signify a lack of capacity by either partner. Sex toys act as additions to your sex life to enhance the experience. The most important thing to remember is that sex is a shared experience between you and your partner. A sex toy cannot cuddle and talk. It can only be used as a tool to improve the sensations you already feel when your partner touches you.
Pave The Way For These Kind Of Talks
Introducing sex toys to your relationship requires a healthy foundation. Ask yourself the following questions:
- How frequently do you and your partner have sex?
- Can you have sex anywhere in the house (if you have the house to yourselves)?
- Do you and your partner talk about sex or share kinky thoughts freely?
- Have you introduced changes to your sex life before, and if yes, how did your partner respond?
If you’re still struggling to talk about sex freely, or if your partner shuts down sexual conversations, it may not be time to talk about using sex toys during sex. Try and talk about sex more often and learn what your partner thinks about sex.
Once you’re talking about sex, sexting each other, and being intimate in different parts of your home, for example, you may feel it’s a better time to introduce the sex toy conversation. Be open about your desires, and encourage your partner to participate in fulfilling them. This way, once you broach the “partner sex toys” talk, your partner will think of sex toys as a fun way to enjoy intimate moments.
Do Your Own Research & Be Specific
You definitely have people in your life that you can have sex toy conversations with. And it can be so fun! However, be sure to do your own research. Having accurate information is the best way to fight the fear of the unknown. The following tips are beneficial for any beginner.
- Never compromise on safety: Anything that is going into your body and coming into contact with your genitals should be safe for use. All your sex toys should be made from body-safe and non-porous materials. Glass, steel, and silicone are easy to clean before and after sex to ensure sexual health.
- Go for vibes: Modern vibrators have multiple intensity modes, providing way more scope for the imagination than an average non-vibrating toy. They can be easily controlled and incorporated into partner play to provide the stimulation you need.
- Keep it simple: Until you’ve felt your way in the sex toys market, there’s no need to complicate things. Consider good ol’ classic items that will less likely be just gathering dust in your drawer and are easy to use for both you and your partner. Vibeplanet provides excellent, classy beginner sex toys for couples.
How To Best Approach The Sex Toy Talk
Now that you’ve looked into sex toy myths and found several partner sex toys you’d like to try, it’s time to have the sex toy conversation finally. Sex coach Portia Brown recommends the following when having a couple sex toy conversation with your partner.
Don’t Have The Sex Talk In The Bedroom.
Your bedroom is your haven. It’s the space where you and your partner come together and enjoy sex. No matter how tempting it is, do not have the conversation in the bedroom or before and after sex. It’s best to have sex conversations in casual settings such as the living room, kitchen, or car. Your partner may feel inadequate or attacked if you have this discussion in the bedroom. Begin the talk when you are both relaxed so that you can have a productive convo.
Start With Affirmations
Begin the conversation by setting a positive mood. Praise your partner, tease them, and offer a compliment about their sex game. Affirmations are a great way to remind your partner that you enjoy having sex with them and reduce insecurities that may affect the sex toy conversation.
Talk About How The Sex Toy Benefits Both Of You
Remember that you and your partner are in a relationship. When you suggest using sex toys in a relationship, they need to appeal to both partners. You could recommend sex toys as a means of making their work easier when they go down on you or helping you reach an orgasm. The benefit could be as easy as your partner watching you enjoy yourself. It helps to use the information they shared about their kinks at this time and explain how sex toys may bring the kinks to life.
Give Your Partner Time To Think About It
You had enough time to research, think through the matter, and approach your partner. It’s important to give your partner time to think about your proposal and then respond. You want your partner to feel that bringing sex toys into the bedroom is a mutual decision instead of a selfish one.
Don’t Give Up
What if you talk, but your partner says no? It’s disheartening but not a reason to give up. Perhaps your partner needs more information and convincing about sex toys. Find out what their insecurities are and respond to each of their questions. Remind them that bedroom sex toys are in no way a replacement or a projection of your discontent with your relationship.
Take Time To Choose Together
Finding the perfect sex toys for you and your partner is a process that takes time and multiple tries. Once you confirm that you are both on the same page, start experimenting with small toys until you find something that works for both of you. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to find the perfect toy on the first try. Most importantly, remember to be collaborative during the research and use of the toy to make your sexual relationship stronger.
Using sex toys in a relationship is an exciting way to spice up your sex life. You can play with sex toys during both planned and spontaneous sex. There are multiple sex toys that you can try with your partner, including those that give them control of your orgasm. There’s absolutely no reason not to try a sex toy with your partner. Don’t forget the lube!